I was perusing some stories at Etiquette Hell earlier, and it struck me at some point how many of the things that really rankle in people’s bosoms are oversights, thoughtlessness. After all, courtesy in general is a matter of thinking of other people and their feelings.
This terrified me. I try very hard to be a thoughtful person. But I also know, in my heart of hearts, that I am forgetful in the extreme, and occasionally oblivious. Forgetfulness breeds etiquette breaches - I am MORE than certain that there are thank-you notes I’ve forgotten over the years. I found out from my mother, who found out from my aunt, that I never sent a thank-you note to my cousin and his fiancée for their wedding present to us - despite the fact that I distinctly remembered writing it, and even struggling to find their address. Did I send it to an old address? Did I leave it somewhere awaiting a stamp? Did I (horror of horrors!) think about the phrasing, what to say in praise of the present…and never actually set pen to paper? The world may never know, and there are individual presents that I look at even now with a vague feeling of guilt. Is the nagging in the back of my mind that I failed to thank this woman for this present? Or is it that I forgot to respond to her halloween e-mail with the darling pictures of her kids? I don’t know…
As to obliviousness, I have a horrible tendency to take questions literally, even when they are quite likely matters of form. More than once I have caught myself answering someone’s ‘How are you?’ and continuing past them without reciprocating…how many other times have I done this? Not to mention the fact that I’m horribly talkative and many of my anecdotes touch on me. Do I natter on and on, going “blah blah MY plans blah blah MY weekend blah blah MY headaches” constantly? Eeeek!
In the end, it’s impossible to know how you come across to other people. I just rely on instinct, and try to fire off notes when I realize I’ve forgotten to do so—trying to make my frazzle-brainedness cute, or at least acceptable. In the end, your best is all you can do, and you have to trust that your good intentions will lead you somewhere rather better than tradition states…
Comments
bah
I, for one, cannot remember a time when I have ever noticed you being incosiderate or uncourteous. I don’t think anyone ever writes every thank-you note that they should. You’re right – good intentions, as long as you follow through most of the time, have to be good enough.
I know what you mean, though – I actually have regular nightmares (albeit tame ones) around Christmas time about forgetting to get someone a present or not remember to write thank-you notes.
Re: bah
I actually FORGOT to mention one thing I know I do with regularity - I don’t send presents. I buy them, wrap them, and then realize it’s too late to have them there by the day - and once that deadline has passed, it’s all too easy to leave them sitting about. I’ve got a Christmas and birthday present for a friend going to school in the UK, and my mother’s Mothers’ Day present, sitting around. I like to call it “extending the holiday joy” and people are kind enough not to deride the pretense in my presence.
that site
It makes for addictive reading, but it’s programmed to create neuroses in its readers. Take it with a grain of salt—while some of the stories are shocking, people shouldn’t carry around that kind of resentment, it doesn’t help anybody. You are a thoughtful giver and a thoughtful thanker, so try not to worry too much. :)
Re: that site
Yeah, I’ve been reading it some more - there are some hilarious stories there, among the painful ones - and I decided there is a moral: If you really want to dislike someone, you can find a way. There will always be little mistakes, little thoughtless actions. Whereas if you’re determined to like them, there are very few people in the world who are awful enough to override your good expectations and intentions. All the more reason to try not to hold grudges—you don’t know when you’ll wake up and realize you’re angry at a perfectly nice person for something they did when you were 12…
Re: that site
You are wise. It is always better to just let things go…one shouldn’t let another’s action, purposeful or unintentional, continue to smart.