Breaking news story with exclusive interviews by Felicity!

“I just don’t understand it,” says experienced undercover gossip reporter Zenobia Michaels with a sigh. “I really thought this was my moment to shine. Right now there’s a lull in the Jen/Brad story – though with a reconciliation threatening, it could end any minute! – and the country is ravenous for a new celebrity storm to watch. And what could be stormier than the cheating God of Thunder and his harridan wife?” Zenobia’s exquisitely researched exposé was turned down by ‘People’ last week, and its subsequent publication in a lesser-known gossip rag has yielded no ripples, internet pick-ups or interest whatsoever. “That was juicy stuff I got. Verbatim arguments, details of recent indiscretions…and it was hard to get, too! Do you know what you have to do to get to be a cupbearer on Mount Olympus? I don’t get it. How much more drama do they want?”

It isn’t the drama, says gossip sociologist Dr. Kiva Procnow. “What the public wants is blood in the water. It doesn’t matter that Zeus and Hera’s arguments are significantly more interesting, dramatic and violent than, say, the tiff Gwyneth [Paltrow] and Chris [No wonder she kept her own name. I mean, Gwyneth Martinofcoldplay? Can you see THAT on a movie poster?|text|[Martinofcoldplay]] had in a restaurant two days ago. Zeus and Hera have been together for millennia, and they’ve been having this kind of feud all that time. They’re never going to break up, and the public knows it. It’s like Whitney [Houston] and Bobby [Brown]. They’re fighting? What else is new! Now if Zeus were admitted to the hospital for hitting the ambrosia too hard, or if there were a public brawl, maybe that would make headlines…”

”She said WHAT?” responded Michaels. “By the strong ships of the Achaeans. What kind of ‘brawl’ are they going to have? Lightning bolt versus peacock? And don’t even get me started on that Paltrow/Martinofcoldplay thing. That’s luck, pure luck, and classic exaggeration and inference. My story is the result of years of research and undercover work, and I lose my place in the sun because the public would rather believe an actress and a rock star are on the rocks than know a couple of gods are.”

”It’s not just the age and freshness of the story,” continued Dr. Procnow. “It’s the inclusion of the new baby with the funny name. That was really all that was lacking in the Jen/Brad story, but it was supplied by the speculation on fertility and differences over starting a family. Zeus and Hera’s children are grown. It doesn’t add to the pathos. Now, if Hera were pregnant…especially considering the juicy child abuse scandal from the birth of Hephaestus…”

Zenobia sighs at the quote. ”I can’t just make things up, you know. Everything in my story is verifiably true, even the fantastic parts. He really did turn Teri Hatcher into a manatee.” She grinds out a cigarette and adjusts her chiton. “By Horkos, if I had made it up I would have said Angelina Jolie.”