Now, I’ve just been on a long winding trip through Central Washington, and I haven’t done any top ten lists in a while. This was inevitable.

Top Ten Suggestions for Washington State

10. Add ‘one at a time’ to ‘pass with care’ signs.
Should be a no-brainer, but if I see any more strings of cars crossing yellow lines in tandem like the title villain of Centipede, my head may explode.

9. New Highway Signs: Cute Horsie Ahead.
The international symbol would of course resemble My Little Traffic Safety Pony. This would ensure that susceptible drivers have time to steel their hearts before they are irrevocably distracted from the road.

8. Better cel-phone coverage.
Alternatively, I could switch companies, but I’m pretty lazy.

7. Insist on better regulated faux art in hotels.
Nothing really sucks the comfort out of a Comfort Inn like two identical queen beds with two identical cheesy fly-fishing prints above them. Make an effort, people!

6. More McMenamins.
Yeah, you heard me. Six? Six McMenamins? Where am I supposed to enjoy a porter in smoke-free surreally painted surroundings? Huh?

5. Improve ‘Stylist’s Prayer.’
I don’t know who publishes five paragraphs of prayer for hairstylists on cheerful sunflower backgrounds, but I can’t believe in the midst of all that glurge about ‘being a professional’ and ‘exposing the beauty within’ there was nothing about not burning people with curling irons. My skin is sloughing here!

4. Better signage for art exhibits.
If I hadn’t needed to use the bathroom, I would never have known that the Toppenish cooperative art classes “Introduction to Tagging” and “Advanced Tagging: Keepin’ It Rural” were having an exhibit in the Shell restroom. For shame! There were even signs outside the mini-mart claiming there was no public restroom! This is no way to promote the arts.

3. Invent more vegetables and fruits.
We’ve all been to Wenatchee, “Apple Capital of the World”, and Walla Walla, home of the Walla Walla Sweet Onion. But have you ever considered that EVERY town in the fecund stretches of rural Washington should have a fruit or vegetable? Toppenish could stop being “The Town of Historic Murals” and be the “Cantalemon Center of the Universe”! Get to hybridizing!

2. Spice up your welcome sign.
Welcome to Washington? Come on, that’s weak. How about, Welcome to Washington, Funny Place-Name Capital of the World!? Walla Walla, Cle Elum, Toppenish, Tukwila, Wenatchee, Mukilteo, Yakima? Kooskooskie? Are you not entertained?

1. Gimme back my sister, you punkass state!
C’mon, pack up Mr. and Mrs. Sledge and send ‘em down here! You’ve had ‘em for YEARS!

Disclaimer: I kid ‘cuz I love.