In the last issue of The Knights of the Dinner Table (a comic book/magazine about roleplaying geeks), a guest editorial was run saying that significant others shouldn’t run games for each other. I immediately (though I was but minutes from departing for my sister’s wedding) sat down and typed a scathing e-mail for the discussion/letters section of the magazine. This month, I was curious to see if I got my letter printed. My spirits fell when I saw this on the editor’s introduction page:

I could have filled the entirety of this issue’s Back Room at the Games Pit with a dozen rebuttals to Randall’s editorial. In the end I chose to run just one.

Nonetheless, I turned to the ‘Back Room’ section, to see the letter that was printed, and what should I see but my very own letter! With my very own name in print! It’s nothing like getting a story published, but it makes me feel good, especially knowing I had so much competition!

Here’s my letter, for the record. They published it in its entirety, only adding a few carriage returns.

I was shocked and annoyed by Randall Nelson’s Gamer’s Pulpit in Issue #92. Significant others shouldn’t GM for each other? That’s news to me and my husband, who have been running games for each other for at least four years. It’s also news to my friends whose relationships have been improved by introducing their non-gaming partners to their games, so they don’t feel left out or tired of the weekly six hour absences.<

I’m very sorry Mr. Nelson has had such bad experiences with this, but his experience is by no means universal, and he may scare off some couples who would genuinely benefit from playing together. The bottom line is, the behavior he’s describing is not limited to involved GMs and PCs. It’s bad GMing. If you don’t have the strength to resist favoring your SO, how did you resist favoring the person with the coolest character, or your best friend, or the person who brings the best snacks? If you can’t do that, you should work on your own GMing style and ethics, not remove the temptation.

And the problems on the PC end that were described? Passive-aggressiveness of the worst sort. That behavior will crop up whenever the person is peeved or slighted. If you can’t stand it from them over dice and character sheets, how can you ever hope to stand up to it when it’s over buying a new car, or a new couch, or going to whose parents for Thanksgiving? Passive-aggressiveness is a horrible thing in a relationship, stifling communication and honesty. If it’s there, it’s in your relationship, not your game, and the relationship is what needs the work.

I am not saying there aren’t couples who genuinely shouldn’t GM for each other. Of course there are, just as there are certainly friends and gaming buddies who shouldn’t GM for each other, whose personalities, gaming histories, and gaming styles completely clash. But generalizing that to all couples is foolish and presumptuous. It may take a little bit of work and laying of groundrules - my husband and I run different systems, so that our rules calls won’t clash, for instance - but running a game for your SO can be very rewarding.

The GM can benefit from the SO’s honest opinion of how the game is going and observations of other PCs, what those others really enjoyed, what they need—something you seldom get unless you are that close to one of your PCs. The PC can be given a little bit of responsibility to help the GM out, whether by trying to steer the tangent-happy PCs back onto the topic of the game or by teaching the system to the new player.

I’ve had a wonderful time GMing for my husband, and he for me. Heck, maybe I’ll write a Gamer Pulpit with tips on it sometime. But that’s just my experience. Mr. Nelson seems to think his experience is the only possible or valid one, and that’s just ludicrous.

Long may the grand family tradition of the acid pen live on!