Once upon a time there was a princess who had the misfortune of getting baptized the day after the fairy Lucinea’s 350th birthday. Lucinea, who was supposed to be the 9th faerye godmother, had had a very raucous party, and so instead was a sort of godmother-doorstop, and didn’t bestow any faerie gift at all. And the other fairyes, who knew Lucinea always gave out the grace package, thought up other presents, like, “she shall play the hautboys like a duck in mating season”, and “She shall have an excellent memory for trivia and faces.” And so the little princess grew up, tragically, without any grace whatsoever.

Her parents were patient and sympathetic, but they reached the bourne of their patience around her 21st birthday. Tripping over a boot-scraper, she lunged for a nearby rope to catch herself. She didn’t catch it, but did tug it free, thus loosing the Royal Chandelier, which fell heavily on one end of the Royal Banquet Table, which flipped upwards, divesting itself of the Royal Breakfast, the Royal Ham from which lodged firmly on her father’s Royal Crown. As she dusted herself off and hastened to help, she put two of the Royal Teeth out with her elbow, and broke the arm off the Royal Throne, which had been in the family for 162 generations. Her father flew into a Royal Rage, and her mother agreed that it really was time that she learned what life outside the palace was like, and so she found herself on the Royal Highway with a Royal Knapsack on her back.

Life outside the palace was hard. You had to do things besides read, write, and play the hautboys. One day, trudging off to the paper mines to work, the Princess passed through a big, empty, dusty street, with one broom lying in it. Of course, she stubbed her toe on the broom. As she was hopping around in pain, the world’s smallest witch popped out from under the broom and began to lay into the Princess in no uncertain terms. Before the Princess could bring her Royal Courtesy to bear, the witch squealed, “I curse your foot, and the toe you stubbed with, too! Be lame forever, unless you find the Golden Crutch!” and disappeared with a dusty puff.

Immediately, the Princess felt a throbbing in her foot, and looked down to see that one of her sturdy toes was purply glowing. She tried to walk off for help, but the pain was unbearable. She hopped off like a Dufflepod. Soon, her energy was spent, and she twisted her left foot so she could walk on the heel. She went questing for the Golden Crutch.

Now she was not only clumsy, but slow, and her great quest brought her to the village two days over within 2 weeks. She saw a golden sign: “Curses dealte with, Paines banish&#232d.” Why not?

Within stood a lady with a kindly smile and magic spectacles that looked through to your bones. “She’s just broken it, dear, nothing to worry about.”

“Nothing to worry about? Shall I be both clumsy and lame?”

“No! I have just the thing. The Magic Shoe!”

The Princess looked dubiously at the proffered footwear, which looked like a tea cosy that had run away from home to become a piece of armor. “Magic Shoe? The witch said I needed the Golden Crutch.”

“Pfft. What do witches know?”

“You must be a very powerful sorceress!”

“I’m a nurse practitioner. Shoo!”

And so off stumped the Princess in her ugly Magic Shoe, no longer lame and trying very hard not to be clumsy.