The other day, I was ambling about the workplace about my various tasks, when suddenly I was brought short by something I saw before me on the carpet. It was a piece of wooden plank, broken diagonally along the grain on one side, so that it came to a point. It was, unmistakably, a stake.

Now, this is an area where pallets have been known to rest on their weary travels, so I thought it was just an amusing coincidence. Thought so, that is, until I went to the grocery store a few days later. As I swanned down the frozen food aisle, I glanced idly at the Ben & Jerry’s. There, nestled among the pints, was the austere form of yet another stake.

Last time I heard, Ben & Jerry were not making Splinters ‘n’ Cream.

It was then that I realized my destiny, what the mysterious stakes are trying to tell me. I’ve been Chosen. I’m a vampire slayer.

I’m not sure when the Watcher will show up to take me in hand, but I’m excited about some aspects of my new duties. For one thing, I bet Slayer toughness negates asthma, and I don’t think I’ll ever need to count calories again in my life! There is something to be said on the negative side there; I am pretty long in tooth for a new Slayer, and not particularly naturally athletic, so it’s probably going to be a very short life. But hey, I always said the appealling thing about action and survival movies was the elegant simplicity of the goal, right? Now my life has elegant simplicity. I can get behind that.

I may have ruined the whole aeons-of-secrecy thing by blogging about it, but I think I can make that redound to my benefit. Namely, I think as soon as the Watcher shows up I’m going to rope together a meeting with Nike and ask them to sponsor my Slayerdom. I mean, no one knows by what unearthly office Buffy continues to turn up in brand-new designer clothing all the time, even when she constantly trashes it, right? I have to look after my own apparel needs, and I’m thinking an endless supply of stylish activewear sounds good. Not to mention a great boost for Nike Women’s Fitness. If you have a spokesmodel who can lift motorbikes, and the competitor has…three stripes… where does that leave them?

I don’t know how much time I’ll have to blog in my new life as a Slayer, but I’ll try to keep you posted until I go out in a blaze of glory. For the moment, I have to run…I think there’s time for coffee before I save the world.