Breaking Footwear News!

Monday October 10, 2005 @ 02:13 PM (UTC)

By Prudence Bonhomme, staff reporter

Footwear scientists have discovered an incredible concept: fabric or animal hide can be stretched from one side of the sole to the other, thus enclosing the toes and protecting them from low temperatures and precipitation. “We’re very proud,” said Dr. Wyonna Pickle, Professor of Footwear Studies at Big Important Science University. “Too long, humans have wandered the earth with only a sole attached to their feet by a few straps. This revolutionary invention, which we are calling ‘the closed toe’, insulates the toes from cold, shelters them from precipitation, and protects against stubbing. It’s a remarkable design breakthrough.”

Graduate students modeled several of the new ‘closed toe’ designs at the press conference, and it’s evident that many shapes and styles are possible. “Eet’s practical, but eet can be boatiful, also. Zee toe, she is érotique. Vee hide her, vee enhance zee mystère.” said Yvonne von Geterre, a prominent shoe designer, “I ’ope to ’ave a Toe Closed collection on zee runway by zee ’Olidays.”

“It’s wonderful to see how the fashion community is embracing the change,” said gratified scientist Dr. Pickle. “I just hope that early adoption by Paris won’t mean that closed toes are stigmatized as an expensive luxury. Everyone should be able to afford an enclosed shoe. That’s my dream.”

As we survey the streets of a temperate suburb this brisk October morning, and see the bare toes picking their way among the puddles and avoiding the slugs, Dr. Pickle’s dream seems remote indeed.


I am…how you say…zee confused.

Obviously, my dear, you never pay attention to women’s feet. You know how people have this distressing tendency to wear flip-flops all summer long these days? You’d think this would no longer be the case when they can see their breath. But you’d be wrong.

Don’t get me started. My own husband is an offender. There are freaks in this town who wear SANDALS WITH SOCKS throughout the year. I slap my forehead with the heel of my hand. doh!

But flip-flops are comfortable. And what does breath have to do with feet? You’re trying to trick me, aren’t you?

Well, you see, TOES are small extremities attached to our feet, which help propel us as we walk. Due to their size, they cannot maintain a comfortable temperature by gigantothermy, and can easily be robbed of warmth by a chill breeze or a sprinkle of rain. That’s part 1 of this mystery.

Part 2 involves the tilted axis upon which our planet rotates, leaving us plunged in slight dimness for certain parts of the year! During these months, it is COLDER outside. One might describe this in a more interesting manner by observing that one’s warm, moisture-laden breath makes fog as it exits one’s mouth. Therefore, when one can see one’s breath, it is COLD!

When it is COLD, one’s toes can become uncomfortably chillsome!

THEREFORE, we come to the stunning conclusion that a rational human being would insulate her feet when it’s cold out, using the expedient of CLOSED-TOED SHOES. And furthermore, I’ve had to explain my entire joke, thus ruining it. Taran of Caer Dallben, I’m not speaking to you again!

Hey! There is NOTHING wrong with wearing sandals and socks together. Especially if they’re nice heavy wooly socks. Nothing wrong at all.

Of course, you do take the risk of getting your feet somewhat wet should you walk in a puddle or something, but that goes with the whole “wearing sandals” territory.

This particular assistant pig-keeper finds it quite natural to keep one’s toes free up to the fall of snow, and only to limit their particular liberties then because it really is a pain to get snow out from between foot and sandal.

Don’t tell me you’re against freedom, silly bauble-toting princess!

You and my dad. Why are you so down on having your foot-digits free to feel the air?

Leaving aside that it is a fashion faux pas of the first order, if it’s cold enough that you need to wear socks, especially in the PacNW, this greatly increases the likelihood of one encountering a puddle. Don’t you have enough to worry about without the possibility of Wet Soggy Foot?

10:45 AM: Observed male of the species entering office wearing shorts, flip flops, AND A LEATHER JACKET. Checked calendar. Yes, autumn. Hmmm. Averted eyes during interaction.

Is it bad that I have more enthusiasm and verbiage on this topic than I do on, say, Harriet Miers?

Color me against freedom. I don’t want to have to look at other people’s toes unless it’s above 65 degrees Fahrenheit. If one’s toes are not feeling “free” inside close-toed shoes, I’m concerned that they may be wearing uncomfortable and/or ill-fitting shoes. I’m in close-toed shoes right now. My toes go up, my toes go down, my toes dance all around. They are happy toes. And they’re warm and dry. AND NO ONE CAN SEE THE HAIR ON THEM!!!

No kidding! I wear flip flops ALL the time! (Except when it’s snowing… shakes fist at the Indiana sky)

Speaking of – here is a funny from one of my classes (this is at a top tier law school):

Professor: So, does anyone have any opinions on the new Supreme Court nominee?
Class (minus 1): silence
1 Blonde Student: Ummmm, she’s not very pretty.


That’s terrible! That’s just like how every time one discusses Condoleeza Rice, someone says how ugly she is. (and then a bunch of guys have to show their gallantry by saying they’d “do her”. I’m sure she’s touched and, in between buying expensive shoes, playing the piano, and swaying world politics, she’s really heartened to know that some guys on the internet are willing to have sex with her.)

In the interests of parity, I hereby mention that John Roberts looks like a goldfish. :D

Let it be known that I, unlike my sister, do not propose to infringe your rights to freeze your toes off. I merely reserve my OWN right to point and laugh.

And occasionally point out the radical new concept of closed-toed shoes.

Indeed, and next you’ll ask us to ignore the icon indicating that this posting was sponsored by your employer.

Sheesh! I’d hate to say what the Internets would say about my mug. Condie and John Roberts are both perfectly good-looking. John in partic.

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