Top Ten Pointers for Conducting Bad Science

2005-10-31T00:31:33+00:00

A first for Faerye Net: the Halloween Special! Pointers on accomplishing Bad Science — be it evil, ill-advised, or both — as taught to me by Professor Television and his lovely assistant, Mlle. Cinema. Sharpen your evil pencils and prepare to matriculate.

10.: Extraterrestrial material always holds the potential to bring humans back from the dead. (But mind the side effects!)
9.: There are two species of brains in jars: Creepius Stagedressingus, and Speakus Sansvocalcordicus. The latter can sometimes claim to use telepathy. The former just sit there and pickle.
8.: Chambers — isolation, quarantine, experiment — are all deathtraps and mutation devices. The wise Bad Scientist will allow only enemies and expendable lab minions to enter.
7.: Bad Scientists are all white or Asian. Only male scientists can be in complete control of Bad Science Laboratories. Female scientists must answer to capitalists or chief scientists. In the latter case, they should try to cultivate a secret love for their brilliant compeer.
6.: Antidotes to virii and poisons must be kept in a rack or case with the virii and poisons, in matching vials but contrasting colors.
5.: Sympathetic magic is an excellent basis for research, and the ultimate explanation for all that goes wrong with that research.
4.: Experiments on insects should be conducted upon social or swarming species, not on well-established subjects such as fruitflies.
3.: All clones go wrong. Sooner or later. They all go wrong.
2.: If you really want your Bad Science to work, it must be some color of green.
1.: Monkeys in cages. All Bad Science must involve monkeys in cages. In the very best Bad Science Labs, THE MONKEYS ARE ANGRY.

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Top Ten Pointers for Conducting Bad Science