Top Ten Pointers for Conducting Bad Science

2005-10-31T00:31:33+00:00

A first for Faerye Net: the Halloween Special! Pointers on accomplishing Bad Science — be it evil, ill-advised, or both — as taught to me by Professor Television and his lovely assistant, Mlle. Cinema. Sharpen your evil pencils and prepare to matriculate.

10.: Extraterrestrial material always holds the potential to bring humans back from the dead. (But mind the side effects!)
9.: There are two species of brains in jars: Creepius Stagedressingus, and Speakus Sansvocalcordicus. The latter can sometimes claim to use telepathy. The former just sit there and pickle.
8.: Chambers — isolation, quarantine, experiment — are all deathtraps and mutation devices. The wise Bad Scientist will allow only enemies and expendable lab minions to enter.
7.: Bad Scientists are all white or Asian. Only male scientists can be in complete control of Bad Science Laboratories. Female scientists must answer to capitalists or chief scientists. In the latter case, they should try to cultivate a secret love for their brilliant compeer.
6.: Antidotes to virii and poisons must be kept in a rack or case with the virii and poisons, in matching vials but contrasting colors.
5.: Sympathetic magic is an excellent basis for research, and the ultimate explanation for all that goes wrong with that research.
4.: Experiments on insects should be conducted upon social or swarming species, not on well-established subjects such as fruitflies.
3.: All clones go wrong. Sooner or later. They all go wrong.
2.: If you really want your Bad Science to work, it must be some color of green.
1.: Monkeys in cages. All Bad Science must involve monkeys in cages. In the very best Bad Science Labs, THE MONKEYS ARE ANGRY.

An open letter to Clark Kent

2003-06-24T11:16:47+00:00

Circa Season Finale, 2003

Mr. Clark Kent
24 Ubermensch Road
Smallville KS

Dear Clark;

I have been following your adventures with some interest. Recently, I sympathized with your desire not to conquer the world as allegedly destined. However, I have been increasingly dismayed at the methods you are employing to avoid that fate.

Apparently in your search for role models as “foundling farm boy with phenomenal cosmic powers is destined to conquer the world,” you have lit upon Rand al’Thor as the chap to emulate. This is the only explanation I can posit from your decision to estrange everyone you care about “so they don’t get hurt,” including the several girls wooing you, and your decision to hare off by yourself with no plan and a backpack full of angst. Besides the fact that this behavior qualifies you as a wooly-headed lummox of the first water, and thus eligible for the Clue-by-4™ (now with Kryptonite inlay) treatment, if you’ll read a bit further (I know it’s a bit heavier going than 18-page comic books) you’ll find your role model IS conquering the world with cosmic powers and iron fist. Duh, Mr. Kent.

If you must emulate someone, might I suggest drawing upon your “farm boy with special powers and heroic destiny has a ‘dead father’ who nonetheless speaks to him and urges him toward evil” archetype and get yourself a glowy sword.

Most Sincerely,
Felicity

P.S. You are not going to get hot Lana-and-Chloe action, let alone hot Lana-Chloe-and-Wonder-Woman action, so if that’s why you’re pulling a Rand, give it up.

Posts tagged with "smallville" - Faerye Net

Top Ten Pointers for Conducting Bad Science

An open letter to Clark Kent